a friend at work recommended i keep a good work/life balance, which reminded me i don’t have a life

also felt super embarrassed after hanging out with that work pal but turns out it’s fine, which, like, i guess i totally am not used to hanging out with people who i actually have a fair deal in common with, it’s been a long time, so that’s dope

working in harm reduction and sometimes you run into your clients at the liquor store and they introduce you to the staff (whom, duh, you already know) as ‘my addictions counsellor’

or running into a client at the liquor store just after it opens on a wednesday morning

or a night where you’re picking folks up from the hospital and you’re like ‘oh fuck i smoked a lot of meth with that guy once, please please please don’t recognise me’

omg gonna go drink beers with a coworker LOOK I’M MAKING FRIENDS

like. credit card paid, bills paid, not in overdraft for the first time in years. the feeling of feeling happy in life for the first time since who-knows-when, certainly before adulthood, has also afforded me the leisure of remembering all the ways, beyond the new job (career?), that i’m still unhappy. lonely, broken, sick, careless, catless, shitty apartment. those last two are at least the next step. the rest is, like, just my life, i guess.

it was ghost fest this weekend. the holy ghost moon cast some good fortune upon me. fucked up friday/saturday and it actually worked out beautifully. doesn’t change that i fucked up, but.

always complicated feelings

;:-/

i do social work now. i’m a social worker? i’m a social worker, how did that happen.

edit: not super serious, not technically a social worker. but the point remains.

holy hell i love my job more and more
which is good because i just did three shifts in two days

and as relates to days i actually have been so eager and now so thankful for the very concept of days to cease being relevant. no schedule, no regularity. just time, time alone, only time as it passes.

my left eyelid has developed a twitch for the first time in years, i’m having sprawling, haunted dreams every night, i feel the impulse to cry at any little thing, no longer just if i’m underslept or unmedicated or hungover, but every day, at any time, all the time, and i am joyed at these things, so deeply joyed, bitterness gone as darkness enters, a long-awaited return